EPISODE 6: The Graceful Edge with Funeral Director Laura Wagner
Before this conversation, I thought of funerals as an egregious waste of money. My friend, funeral director Laura Wagner’s approach has changed my perspective. Laura and I explore the emotional depth of the funeral industry, her journey as the first woman in her family’s business, and the unique rituals surrounding death. Laura’s compassion and care for her clients is an incredible gift of service.
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Sarah: Okay, not that anybody needs my opinion on funerals, but up until this conversation, I thought that they were an egregious waste of money. The idea that once my beloved or my body is finished, we have to pay thousands of dollars to dispose of it. I mean, it just doesn't make any sense to me. After this conversation with my friend, Laura, who is a female Southern funeral director.
Motherfucker. There are not very many of these. There are not very many of these. Anyway, talking to her, I can see its place. Not that anybody asked me to approve, but it calmed my judgy brain down. And also there's just so many fascinating things that Laura talked about, just things that that you don't consider about both handling the body, but also so many interesting things about caring for the family, about planning the event, about [00:01:00] making celebrations happen in ways that Maybe you didn't think were possible. Listen to this bitch. She laughs. Oh my gosh. She laughed so hard and she is a and a funeral director. I hope you love her as much as I do.
Hi friends, this is your host, master coach and teacher Sarah Yost. You are listening to the About Death podcast, the show about living life on your own terms. Stick around if you want way more of what you want with way less anxiety.
Hello, friend.
Laura: Hi, friend.
Sarah: Hi.
Laura: I'm really glad to see you.
I
know. We've known each other for a long time. I know. Like a decade, you know? Yeah. Yeah. you coached me like. 12 years ago when I had knee surgery. I don't know if you remember that or not.
Sarah: I do remember that. In fact, the other day [00:02:00] my, I was having some body thing and I was remembering that, interaction we had when you didn't trust your body.
Yeah. To feed itself appropriately. Yep. Yeah.
Laura: I was going to gain weight because I wasn't as mobile.
Sarah: Right. Yeah.
Laura: That's good stuff. You're a great coach.
Sarah: Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.
Tell us who we're talking to and why. Why?
Laura: We're talking to way. I'm Laura Wagner from Louisville, Kentucky, where I've grown up and live pretty much my whole life. It's fun to say this. I'm a licensed funeral director in the state of Kentucky. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. I'm also a licensed. Marriage and family therapist.
Although I like to say couples and family therapists, because not everybody gets married.
Sarah: Thank you.
Laura: Been doing that for 12 years and still do that within the scope of this work, but just not in a formal sense. I think like a therapist still I'm married, been married to my husband, Bobby for 26 [00:03:00] years.
And he is a fifth generation funeral director. His great great grandfather came from Germany and they were furniture makers, cabinet makers. And during the Civil War, the Union soldiers who died in a hospital in downtown Louisville needed to go home when they died. And they were commissioned to make coffins.
And so then they became Furniture makers and coffin makers, and then they became coffin makers and funeral directors, and then somewhere along the way it was a funeral home. So, yeah, he did not ever think he would do this. He's the baby of five. His father did this, his grandfather did this, but when we were dating and actually engaged and he was trying to figure out what to do after his four year degree I said, Maybe.
You should try out being an apprentice at your family's funeral home, because from the moment I learned that his family was associated with this work, Sarah, I never thought in my [00:04:00] whole life about funeral service, not as a girl, not as a young woman, but I was just really fascinated by it. And I think I knew in my.
He is my partner knew that he should check into it and see, cause I knew it was about relationships. It's about a lot of things. It's about the first things people think about, about the body and what happens to the body and what we do with bodies, but it's really about people. And, you know, the reason I speak of him as part of introducing myself is because you know, I knew someday we would do this together.
We both knew that. And I'm the first woman in the family's 160 year history to be a licensed director and operator of the home. There were women all around the family. Obviously, they were probably doing a lot of things I do because the funeral home actually operated out of a home for many years. But no one, I always say none of the women in our family, sometimes his family because it's weird when [00:05:00] you marry into a business like this and it's not a lineal heritage.
There's a lot of patriarchal shit that goes on with this. And they, there wasn't a woman who wanted to do this. And then sometimes they'll say, maybe they weren't even asked. But I just knew this is what I wanted to do. So I'm 52. And when I was getting ready to turn 50, this is right. Kind of pandemic moving into 2021.
And I was a life coach and a therapist with my own practice all by myself. And I think I just realized in 2020, how incredibly lonely I was. I just really kind of over that part of my life that I was and we were having some partnership issues with the funeral home. We own two funeral homes and there's a lot of stuff that goes into that.
And I just found myself talking with him about it more and more and having ideas about what to do with these places that I'm like, where did [00:06:00] that come from? How did I have that idea? And I just realized it was like, it's time I want to do this. We have a business partner that it's been a difficult relationship that has morphed into something that's a workable relationship.
But we spoke with him about me coming to work to earn my license and he was like, fine, you're a family member. So in 2021, two weeks after my 50th birthday, I just upended everything and I had closed out my therapy clients and coaching clients. And I. became the least senior employee at my family's funeral home.
Every, in the state of Kentucky, if you want to become a funeral director, you must do an apprenticeship, which is an onsite internship there. I'm single licensed. So I'm a funeral director. I'm not an embalmer. You go to the additional school for that. I am with. The human body all the time. I move people.
I dress people. I do not perform the [00:07:00] embalming procedure, which is a whole situation down in the basement, the prep room. Got two master's degrees. I really just didn't feel like going to school anymore.
Sarah: Yeah, I hear you,
Laura: but I knew this was what I wanted to do. So I'm a funeral director and, and I managed and operate this funeral home and give it direction with my husband and.
I worked my ass off and I really love it. It's changed my entire life. I don't even know where to start. I don't know what you want to know, but I'm so happy for you. I was, this is just where I was meant to land. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, I just knew there were some interactions. I had the first within the first 10 days.
That I was here. I told my husband, I was like, I'm humble enough to know there's a lot of things I don't know, but I know how to do this. I know how to do this. And I've just never had any doubts about that. It's a really [00:08:00] powerful place to be, to know that you are living in your vocation and your full personhood doing something like
this.
Sarah: How do you think that impacts? Your relationship with your own death.
Laura: Oh, that's interesting, my husband and I do a lot of funerals together, so if we take services to church, we'll tag team, we'll go together, it's kind of a cool thing to do, we really like it.
And we'll be driving in the car sometimes. And I'll think to myself kind of this metacognitive, like sort of hovering over everything, like this person had pancreatic cancer. This happened to this person. And I'll look at it and I'll say, you know, I'm going to die. We're going to die. And he's like, Laura,
cause he knows I go into those layers, but I think he's worried that I'm troubled and I'm like, yeah. Just I'm, I never say I'm used to doing this because it almost sounds throwaway. I just am acquainted with and walk with death every day [00:09:00] and I'll just be in a room sometimes in one of these state rooms outside of this office and I'll be putting jewelry on an elderly lady or You know, carrying ashes down to the safe until a family comes to get them, and they're still warm
and
sanitary.
And I'll be like, this is it. This is it. What happens after this? And I don't know. There are things I'd like to think about that I want to be the next Rome, but I'm Catholic. I grew up Catholic, and I still consider myself Catholic. I'm in a Catholic church, shit, at least eight times a month. Okay. I go to Mass more than ever half of my whole life.
And it's really comforting to me and it's a special ritual, but you know, when I was taught growing up about, well, you do all these things, you live whatever the right way is, and you know, you go to heaven and you, you do what? I have [00:10:00] this notion that heaven, or, I don't even know if I could call it that, I'll think about it.
You know, where do these people go that we take care of? Do they go where they believe they want to? Like, if you think this is where you're going, like my mother in law who died 10, almost, yeah, 10 years ago, 86 years old, she was like, I'm going to heaven. I'm going to go be with your dad and all of that and the blessed mother and all the things.
But my idea of it is that I, I hope this always makes me emotional. I hope I go to a place. Where every moment that I'm curious about it, every amazing thing that ever happened And everything I never got to see but wanted to know about that. God has me in it. Almost like a movie that I'm living in. Every awesome concert I went to, seeing myself born, seeing what my mom was like when she was little.
Hopefully when [00:11:00] I do this dancing fucking contest I'm in and I do well, seeing how great that was again. Living in the feeling of just like the bliss and curiosity of that. Like, I hope, I hope it's like that, you know, Oh my gosh, I hope it's like that because you just don't know. People kind of think I'm here and maybe I do know something or believe something that I'm really grounded in, but it really has kind of, it has made me stop and think, where does this all go?
Is it just blackness? We don't like, you know, a human body, a dead human body is is just that it is like a shell, but there's this respect for it at the same time. Yeah, it's a very strange, fascinating place to be in. Now, I'm, I know there are other funeral directors and, and I work, I'm the only woman director in the building.
And all the guys I work with are [00:12:00] incredible. I work with my husband. We all have different styles and ways of interacting with death. some of them are just like, this is what we do. It's a process. They want to be with people, have relationships, but like, I just really high touch with it all.
Not just for the families I'm serving, but it teaches me a lot about life. There's so much depth in these interactions here. You're with people who are doing and feeling things that they've never had before. And that's something that's fascinating to me in a compassionate way. It's the deepest parts of life.
I always say to my husband, even when people are trying to bullshit each other here, it's still very real. They're trying to like hold it down or hold it together. That's the realness of it. They just, and you know, they try not to be in it or talk to a sister or go in the room where everything is happening.
And then there are some families I worked with that. I mean, I walked [00:13:00] into, it's just so awesome. Yeah. There was a family and their mom had died and there were eight kids. And they were all in their 60s. Mom was like 90 something. Mary Beck. The Beck family would be totally cool with me saying who she is.
And so they were having her cremated and I said, well, I need you guys to come in. I need the majority of you to sign this form, all these things. And we're going to make arrangements because we're going to church. And I said, would you like to see your mother? Before, you know, the cremation process. Not everybody wants to after And I, you know, there's an identification process with a license and fingerprints and all this stuff.
But I said, do you want to spend time with her? Like her body is in repose. She, her eyes are closed. She has a quilt. So it's not like this bright clinical light. You get to be with her in our chapel. And her daughter said, yeah, we want to do that. She said, I'm going to tell you, there's. eight of us and we're all bringing our spouses and also we might bring.
And so I walk into our lounge, I had to put them in the lounge, Bobby, [00:14:00] my husband set up like 20 chairs and I saw like a grandkid in the hallway, what a hallway. And they were like, hi lady. And I walk in and the family turns around. I said, hi everybody. I'm like, Hey,
Sarah: that's amazing.
Laura: And it was just like this conversation and interaction and.
This familiar feeling with it was just really special. I mean, Sarah, I know when I walked into a room too, though, that it's a transaction at the same time.
Sarah: Yeah.
Laura: Run a business
and I'm 20 people who work for me and my own family. And I, what I do is it costs a lot of money and it's worth to me what I put into it and what I do for your family.
But that's crazy to me sometimes that I'll walk into a room and I haven't met these folks and like the thing in their life that has had probably the most gravity. Somebody died and we're going to sit down and talk about the [00:15:00] rituals around that vital statistics. And I'm going to write a contract and you're going to pay me and then I'm going to carry all this out.
It's a weird webbing of, of stuff, but I don't know. I just kind of know how to walk through it in a way that. I'm just make it work so that it doesn't feel. To me and my families have told me gross or But not to it takes a lot of intuition to go Into a room full of people and get a read on where to start
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Sarah: have you ever?
what happens [00:16:00] When the the business when I don't know when they don't want to pay or they can't pay What happens when something like that happens and you know? Their mom just died. I mean, how do you navigate that?
Laura: Yeah, that's the thing that a lot of times people these days will call and we call them together here at the funeral home.
A shopper is on the phone. Like they will call and say, there's an imminent death or my mom is sick and they're telling me at hospice. That, you know, we need to call a funeral home and kind of get a head start on things. So they ask us, you know, how much are these things? So sometimes on the front end, we'll know that, and they will call another place and another place.
I just give them, this is what this is. There's a lot of itemized things that you can take away or leave in. And they may come and sometimes they may go to another place. It's the way we get paid though, Sarah, is it's cash, it's check. It's a card credit card or an insurance policy that is assigned to us [00:17:00] to pay ourselves.
There's no pay over time situation. There are some like kind of credit things that are above board, but we haven't gotten into that with people kind of like how you would almost get like a loan for a funeral, which, you know, it's something we could offer folks. But you know, there are people where they struggle to pay.
It's like, there's policy and then there's an intuitive how you're going to work with people
and
listen into where they're coming from financially. And what they can do. And sometimes it's the thing that will like kick a funeral directors ass if you're making these allowances of like, well, then give me 500 next month.
And then two months later, you can't live like that because. First of all, to me as a business person, just like valuing what I do. And kind of letting people trail off. And I'm like, wow, I, we did all these things. I [00:18:00] provided services. I understand there's hardships, but you know, just to meet each other with that transaction.
I have had families and had a family recently, and they came back to me because I took care of one brother two years ago, and then they, they came all the way from Indiana, which I live right next to the state of Indiana. But they drove an hour when their other brother passed away, like six months ago.
And there are five or so kids. And, you know, the way the funeral they wanted was very specific and I mean, it's expensive. I mean, to me, it is what they did was it was a open casket and then there was a funeral. And then there was a cremation after the whole viewing and service, and it was about 7, 500 all told visitation, all the things we do.
And I had all five of them, pulling cash out of envelopes, I ran four or five credit cards.
Sarah: And
Laura: then I had one sister tell me that her brother had some sort of account at the facility. He was in [00:19:00] for 668dollars. And then there was that. And I'll say, you know, we're going to do this however we need to do it.
And we made it work. But yeah, I mean, we're, we're paid. Like pretty readily and for us to I mean, I live in a city in a, you know, a upper middle class because I don't even know where the fuck the middle class went, you know, people who can readily I mean, they can write a check for us if somebody wants a big flashbang funeral with all the stuff that we have.
Merchandise wise, you know, caskets, because that's a part of what I do too, which is really interesting and strange, but it's, it is, it's a part of the services I offer, you know, 15 grand, they sit down and write you a check, right? That's, that's not everybody. I'm really proud that we serve folks across this expanse of you know, what they can do.
income wise. So [00:20:00] we pretty much know at the onset where I'm going to land. I think that's, I hadn't really thought about that until you brought that up. You know, if somebody is saying, you know, what is your direct cremation price, which is a cremation, all my administrative services, documents, a lot of administrative things, but there's nothing that happens.
The building and it's 2, 800 to do all that. Is it more expensive than places that'll do it for 900? Well, yeah. But people will know, like, I'll say this is what this is, and this is why, and this is why we do what we do. And if they need to go to the other place, then they know that, and that's, that's okay.
So, I will tell people prices of other places if they're like, I really want to come to you all, but that's a real hardship for me. You know, taking care of the dead, it's It's, it's, you know, people are calling places and trying to figure this out. I just don't want to leave them with, I can't do nothing for you here.
Sarah: So good luck.
Laura: Yeah. [00:21:00] Just try to help them make connections. It's such a deeply personal conversation. And then you're getting into. Dollars and payment and that kind of thing, but it is fascinating to me, but you know, we come from the world of therapy and coaching. We're like, you get paid. That's what you do, unless you decide to sort of stretch it out for folks or do not when it was sliding scale, there ain't no sliding scale in funeral service.
Cause we buy things for people. Like if I'm calling my casket rep, I know too. Like what are. I, and my staff puts into what we do, like, I want people in this funeral home. There's a lot of, pandemic moving into cremation more for obvious reasons. And I think people figuring out, well, maybe we don't need to be here in this funeral home.
We could go have a celebration of life at Larry's house or whatever. But I just think this place is like, we all know what it's for here. It's to gather.
And
tell stories and [00:22:00] be with a person who has died and their loved ones. And it's every single person who works here is here for you. We're all here to take care of you.
Everything that happens in this building. So, you know, I want people here because I don't want people to lose the ritual of all of this and the place, you know, a funeral home, this is a privately owned public place. There's just not many places I can think of, you know, where anybody can walk in here or where people feel comfortable when somebody dies.
to say, Oh, that was my teacher from, you know, grade school. She passed away. I loved her. And this did happen with the family I served last week. And if they had something at a restaurant or some sort of lodge or something, and they might go if the family is like, we're going to have a, a memorial gathering at such and such.
But if it's at a funeral home, like everybody goes to the funeral home, you can go to the funeral home. It's what it's for. You're not [00:23:00] walking into something wondering if like they're having snacks and you're supposed to eat something or not. You come here to do, to pay your respects and to be with people.
But I love having people in this building. I really see it as like my other house. And I march around here just like it is. I mean, before I got on this with you, I went to the state rooms and I was like, who the fuck didn't put candy in here?
I was like, okay, who didn't fill the candy bowls? Just these little hospitality things. And I went and got the bag real fast and filled them all up. And it's a 20, 000 square foot building. And we serve 350 families a year. So it's a big place. And there's a lot that goes on. And so I really, my nurturing mothering part of me, that is a big part of me that I don't think I really understood fully until I got here.
I had a woman I spoke to who was a professor of a theology class at a seminary. For students that are majoring in [00:24:00] a master's in divinity. And she said something like it was a theatrical term of how do I see myself in the construct of like a, almost like a character or archetype. And I said, I'm the mother here.
I'm the mother to, you know, kind of the, the people who work for us. And then I walk into a room full of people and somehow I'm the mother of the whole. thing like guiding them and sort of enfolding them in different ways. Yeah.
Sarah: I wonder what it's like for families who lost their mother to have you step in versus families who still have a mother who, who takes that role.
Does she then turn to you and then, and then you hold all of it or what's the difference in those dynamics?
So if I'm working with say a woman whose husband has died or something, she's mom. I, it's interesting you say that. I do kind of feel like. I am. I do feel like I'm caring for her in a mothering way.
I mean, it could be a 90 year old woman [00:25:00] and that sense of them feeling lost, almost childlike, like, where did he go? All I've ever known. I mean, this is like the greatest generation, these folks in their 90s. Like they're leaving us, they're dying, the World War II veterans and they're, I've never gotten to be around people that old that much before.
And there are these incredible women that we've sort of put as like homemaker, which is, you know, it's amazing to, we say, Oh, you know, being a mother is the hardest job and all those things. But like these women and some of the spectacular things they've done in their lives. Raising children and building this family that just is crazy about each other.
They love each other so much. And the person that she was with for 65 years is gone. And like, maybe she knew he was going to die. But there's this sense of feeling lost, like, where do I go? And what do I do? And usually nobody knows how to do what we're doing here. I mean, you have some people who come in like, well, we've [00:26:00] been here three times in the past.
Well, it'll be like they just have older family members sometimes it's really like heart heavy for them. It's like, oh my god We're here again. I'm like shit, you know, I'm like, I'm so sorry, but let's get through it and then there are some people that just have like sort of a you know group of people in their family and they're older and aging or a couple folks that are sick and They're just here a lot, but I will have women that call me And we don't have what's called an aftercare program, which would essentially be grief counseling and therapy kind of a wraparound after the death.
That would obviously be something that I would be good at and want to do, my husband and I are trying to operate this place and manage it. And it, this funeral home was in a very fractured place when I got here and I mothered it. Shit. I just realized that I mothered this fucking funeral home. I think I can say that because it was broken for many reasons.
[00:27:00] And I want to do those things, but I'm like knee deep in management and all kinds of things. So I get these little moments with someone on the phone where a lady will call and say, honey, you know, I was there two months ago. I always find that the time when people, the struggle comes, if I hear about it is.
Their loved one has died. And like three or four months later, when like, things have sort of settled or they're in life as it is. Now without that person, because the funeral process is a real, like, if you're doing this stuff here, there's a lot going on, there's a lot of moving parts, there's people coming to see you.
And then it gets quiet and you're with yourself. And I've had ladies call and say, I have to talk to somebody. I have to be around other people. I don't know what to do with this life. Please help me like 85, 90 year old women. Please help me figure out what I need to do. I, you know, so I know [00:28:00] how to connect people to resources and things like that.
But I'll think sometimes I tell my husband, I was like, I just want to have all these ladies and have coffee with them, which is what they want. It's that simple. So that's something that's a goal of mine that I want to do. But I, I am running a business with my husband that requires so much of our mental and physical stamina and we love it, but it's, there are some changes coming with how we're working that I really can't get into too much, but you know, I'm 52, he's 56.
And I said, I don't want to have this huge push like this in our lives where we get home at nine or ten o'clock a lot. And I love what we do, but there's just a lot of moving parts and things that we're taking care of that, that need to be dealt with in other ways and are things that we may be needing to come to some closure on so we can do some.
Different things with our life [00:29:00] still within the realm of funeral service. The business is changing and we are too. So I have so many ideas and so many things, but we're just dealing with managing and managing and managing. Our business changed like a lot of people's after and during the pandemic people want different things and you could tell yourself they don't need us or want us anymore, but that's not true.
Funeral directors always say my father in law who was my dear friend. He was 88 when he died, Bill. And he was so eccentric and interesting. He was a world war II veteran. And he was expected to take over the home, the funeral home because his dad died. And then his grandfather died and here he was this 20 year old kid who just got out of the battle of the bulge in Europe and he was like, you know, mortuary schools, what you're going to do.
I always say being a funeral director then was like, it was like the damn IRS. It's like, that's what you're going to do. You know, you're going to deal with it. You're going to die. And then they're going to go bring you [00:30:00] into the funeral home and they're gonna embalm you and you're gonna have visitation they're gonna go to church and you're gonna get buried and it was just like that and that and that and it's not like that anymore and there are a lot of it's a very conservative profession and there are a lot of Folks that are, that scares the shit out of them.
They'll be like, there's some older gentlemen I work with. I call them special guest star funeral directors because they're like in their eighties, they just don't quit. Funeral directors is like, they never retire. And I just like my patience for things that I used to think I would not tolerate with somebody.
human beings and who they voted for and all kinds of shit like that. When it gets down to death, but they'll come in and it's one gentleman and be like, cremation's killing us. And I'm like, Oh my God, it doesn't cost as much.
Sarah: Right.
Laura: You know, to do it, but there's other women, I think that come into this, not across the board as a stereotype, but what I know what I've seen in gatherings with women who do this work.
[00:31:00] And it's interesting because I've been in female women dominated professions most of my life. Yeah. I'm surrounded by men now, but then I'll go to a convention in Florida and there's like. 50 women in the room. I'm like, Oh my God. Thank God. I mean, it's like, we're just not used to that, what that's like, but we are very, we understand that there's a process and that it's a trade, you know, services, a trade, that's why there's a two year mortuary associates degree.
It's like, you do this and you do this and you do this and there's government things, but this is a service like. You really you're taking care of people which I guess is the whole, you know, sometimes I'll read in trade magazines. It's oh, well, women are more nurturing and this and like, yeah, but there's just something to about our intuition and us.
Like seeing things that are layers, right? I don't, I don't know that dudes. I think my husband does. Because, you know, I married him because he's that kind of guy, but [00:32:00] I don't know. We just have different eyes for it. And I'm not, I'm unafraid of what any of the future of this is like, I think it's exciting and interesting.
And we're looking into green burial, natural burial, and my husband's looking at cemetery property and, you know, huge rural areas and we're just like, bring it on. What else can we do to take care of people? But yeah, it's, it's real old school. People aren't doing this anymore. I guess, you know, they don't need us anymore.
I'm like, well, you decide that. there's a lot of marketing and stuff that goes behind all of it, you know, because of my life coach realm and how we put ourselves out there on the interwebs I like really good at that in a very authentic way. Like, I'm like, Oh, well, I can talk to people about this or.
Show them, like I sent you a video of a family I served who had basically this kind of like Bohemian Grateful Dead festival for their visitation.
Sarah: Tell me about that. Tell us about that. Oh my gosh. Because that was so cool.
Laura: We haven't [00:33:00] had funerals like that here because what'll happen is, The woman whose son passed, and she's always told me I may speak of him, her son's name was Alex.
And he died tragically. He had some brain trauma when he was a younger person and he died by suicide. And he's very young. He's only 27, I think. And Gina, his mom, I think called other funeral homes to see First of all, she's dealing with the coroner and the medical examiner and just crazy shit and your kid died this way and it's all fucked up and then you're trying to call and get prices and what people will allow you to do.
And, you know, she's talking about, I know. She's talking to people and saying, you know, my son was creative. He was a musician. He was a professional clown. He was just this amazing young man. And he was so loved. And he's so, he's so struggled with his mental health, but it all went together. And she said, he loved music and he had so many friends.
And I want his [00:34:00] friends to all come and they're young. And I would like there to be music. Can musicians come, can they read poetry? And we have a microphone for that. And I got from her, I don't know that other places said no, absolutely not. But sometimes. I will hear from families not to, it's not a trashing of other funeral homes.
It's just how people in our business articulate kind of what they want to welcome in and maybe what they're like, not so much that they don't have any availability, which I'm always like, my God, my husband are like, we always find a way. We never turn a family away in terms of you can't come in this day.
We always figure it out somehow or that it was, you know, we can't let you have. A band come in or whatever. And she called us and my coworker turned it over to me. Cause I was going to be working that weekend. And Chris was like, I had heard him speaking with her and he told me what was going on. So I kind of swooped in [00:35:00] and she came in and told me, I was like, come on in, let's make the arrangements.
And on the phone, I told her like, let's work with all this. So. I was like, ma'am, you found the right place. I'm like, I'm on it. My husband comes in. They're going to have rock and roll. We're like, we got it. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. And So she, he was laid out, as we say here in the South, laid out, open casket.
He was dressed in his he was a professional clown. So we put that outfit on him. There were, there was paraphernalia, I'll just say that sent something to him and it was like, we're not going to have the stuff that goes in it, but we can have it out there. She's like, that's what, that's all I want because he, you know, this was his thing.
I'm like, all good. I can just sort of say that and I don't think people understand. . And we hung banners on the wall. He was a big Grateful Dead fan. And my husband and I made this playlist of all this music that we knew he liked. And we set up this room and opened up all these took chairs out and.
They, and [00:36:00] I mean, I don't know if we were lucky or it was Providence or what, but there was no one in the building that night for visitation and their service, but them. And we were like overrun in the best way by all these young people in their twenties and her friends that came to see this young man.
And she was like, this is a celebration of his life. This is sad, it's tearing my heart out, but we are going to hear people talk about him, and laugh, and cry, and do all the things, and I want this to feel like him, and I wanted that for her, I wanted that for her. And I did everything I could to make that happen.
And we did. And I'll try to make myself stop crying by saying to my son, she, I mean, my husband that night, she was telling the kids, his friend, she was like, nobody smokes weed in here.
And they were like, we got it. And they were so respectful and everything. The kids did not bring any of this. And I say kids, cause I'm 52 and they're like my daughter's age, [00:37:00] like 23 or whatever. But Bobby and I are standing at the door as people are coming in and I was like, well, they're not, they're not bringing in here, but you could sort of smell like where everybody had been.
And my husband who's, who's been sober for 28 years was like, well, if it smells like that, that's the good stuff. So, but you know what they, they were, they were like, this is, we're coming in, this is for his mom. But what I loved about it was they saw what a funeral could be, maybe what they thought it was, or they were afraid of, but it was like something that they like never imagined because they told us, they were like, you can do this.
Sarah: Yeah.
Laura: Yeah. You can do this. And we want you to do this. His mother, Gina told me because they didn't have a formal service. They sort of had people standing up and telling stories. And she came over to me and she was like, I need this to end like in a way that's good. So she's like, here's what I'm going to do.
Cause we're, we have like a music [00:38:00] room in the back of this big chapel where we can play, you know, iPod, whatever. She said, I'm going to say some things to tell people, you know, thank them and everything. And she said, Do you know, do you have the song spirit in the sky by Norman Greenbaum, which a lot of people would know if they heard it.
And I said, yeah, she's like, when I finished talking and saying, thank you, she said as loud as you're willing and able, I want you to turn that on and play it. Cause I want everybody to dance. And I was like, you found the right one to date doing it. And it was just, and that's what we did. And I said, can I share it on social media?
She was like, I want everybody to see it. I want people to know, I want people to know him. And it was one thing I shared on our social media page, you know, people will have reactions. I share a lot of slice of life things about what it's like to be here. either working here, if our families give me permission to talk about things that I think are so unique and interesting, that people, it just was [00:39:00] like, boom, boom, boom.
I didn't even say anything about it. I said, this is to honor Alex Graham. This is his family. We're serving them. It's an honor and privilege to do it. And people were commenting like, this is what I want. This is what my dad wants to have. This is what I see. This is how this should be. And you know, I feel like I help create experiences for people.
If you're a funeral director and you don't think you're an event planner in some way, then I have been saying, I'm like, I don't know if you're a funeral director these days, because it is creating an experience for people. You're actually helping them decide what it is.
I'm trying to. Sort of teach people how to direct it and me like, you know, walk with them, mother them and walk with them through it and make those things happen.
You just see those little things that you can do. You listen for that whisper of something from a family that meant something to their mom.
Sarah: And
Laura: then you just do that thing. That, you know, whatever it [00:40:00] is, the, the fight song from where they went to college to end the visitation. They didn't know we were going to do that, but like we did it.
We just knew my husband and I were like, there are people we can get away with this. And they all stand up and start cheering and everything. But you're taking a risk, but you just get to know the heart of people really quickly in this sometimes. And what something means to them, because. That's what everybody brings with them to this space is, I mean, hell, I can't tell you how important pictures are to people when, or video when they're here.
It's all they have at that point. But I mean, I, I like that I've done some really amazing non traditional way out of the box funerals. And I Love you know, yesterday casket went to our lady of Lourdes, you know, the whole thing. And I'm just, I just love how people make these decisions about what means something to them [00:41:00] or.
Their mom, what she wanted. And it's the only place in the world. I feel like Sarah, that just is like makes people slow down in some way, but it's interesting. Cause I'm like busting my ass while I'm here. Like I'm moving and moving, but I still am very present with things. I still will remember and tell my husband, I'll say, I can't believe we get to do this job.
It's incredible to see this, but I also know there's people, obviously, this job is not for everybody, but the Just the rawness of emotion, whether it's the really great, happy stuff or the devastation is just people, seeing that a lot of days of their life, they just can't wade into that.
Laura: But somehow in my, I'm too sensitive. I'm so emotional. Laura life. I'm like, Oh. Well, I can do this and it's not about me. It's about the family, but I can be with them. I can cry with them and I can do [00:42:00] my job. I know how to do the job. I think there's a quote that I love by, is it Glennon Doyle? I can't think of what her last name is.
She's a writer. Melton. Melton, where she says, people ask me why I cry so much. And she said, because I'm paying attention. I was like, that's it. I pay a lot of attention. Gosh, I didn't know what we were going to talk about with all this. It's so interesting.
Sarah: You know, what I noticed when my mom died in relation to her memorial was it was like a curation of her life.
And I had to do this practice of, you know, everybody's like, well, she would want that, which means I would want that. And so there's this, this, experience of holding both, what do I think she actually would want? And also, she's fine. I'm the one that's not fine. And this is actually, yes, we are, I don't know, paying tribute, celebrating her life, but it is, it is for us.
[00:43:00] And so there's this, What do we need? What does her justice? And then also, you know, over the course of 73 years, what do you pull out? Which pictures? Which stories? Who? You know, it's a
Laura: Your mom died unexpectedly, yes? Yeah. And remembering that, yeah, I thought I saw that. Yeah, she did that. You're right. I say people will sometimes make the blanket statement.
The funeral is for the living and it is, but there is an aspect of it where it's like the curation. You said, like, I had a family that wanted like some artwork that their mom made on like this memorial folder thing because she created that. And I, They knew she would want people to see it. And it was for them, but at the same time, it was kind of like, she was so proud of this.
She loved painting and, you know, they wanted to show, you know, what [00:44:00] she had grace. My daughter asked me one time, not too long ago, she was like, so when you die, what pictures do you want in the room? Like, what do you want me to put in there?
Sarah: That's great. Have you planned your funeral?
Laura: You know what? I have thought about that so much because.
You know, when you sit down and make arrangements here, it's an old school, you get out a card and you're writing things that at least what we do here with the family, not all goes into the computer and data and all that, but you sit down and you write down, you know, the bare bones, no pun intended of like who you are, where were you born?
What was your mom's name? All that kind of stuff. And then. What I want to do. So I have a broad scope of what I used to think
I wanted
to do. And sometimes I'll think of music that I want. I know for some reason I want a funeral mass. You know, I've been Catholic my whole life and went to Catholic school.
It's more of this kind of, you know, I was taught by nuns who were this, like, they were kind of these rogue. [00:45:00] Order of nuns, where I always say like, like feminism was woven into social justice. So it was disguised because they really were like, you all need to go out there and be yourselves and do whatever the hell you want in your life with a servant's heart.
That's kind of like how I was brought up by them. So a mass and those rituals are important to me. I used to think I wanted what we call a traditional cremation, which is you know, Catholic church, our tradition, not all the time, but I grew up and you go to the funeral home and your grandma is laid out and everybody's in the room talking and she's up there and she's got her rosary and we go kind of talk to her, touch her hands.
Then you go eat ham sandwiches down the hall. So, and then the next day, the funeral director says, casket closing prayers, and then you get in procession and a traditional cremation would have all of that except after church, I would go to the crematory and I would be cremated. And then I was like, [00:46:00] there's a way it's called a living, a living urn where your ashes can be taken and put into like a tree bulb and planted.
So you grow. Because I love the idea of plant me somewhere where, like, my great great grandchildren, if those come to fruition, can come and sit under me, and I feel like I would keep living somehow. And then my husband and I are really looking into green burial, which is no embalming a biodegradable container or casket, and into the ground, and this really You know, this ritual of funeral director involved, but other loved ones really doing like what my father in law's family did, which was they had, they attended to the body physically themselves within their home.
Sarah: Yes.
Laura: Bobby and I are kind of like, it's like returning to that in a way, as far as an option. We [00:47:00] have this thing, we will always do the. the casket, you know, the stainless steel casket, you go over to Calvary cemetery, you put them in the ground because people, they want that.
They plan for that. The cemetery was built for that. I understand the environmental pieces of all that, because that's why I'm looking at other things to be a good steward of the earth and not just my community. And we just see ourselves as, you know, a couple and, and people who are in this vocation, this business who want to do all of those things in some way, just kind of grow with where things are going.
So, you know, I'm like, would I be put into the ground? I do not want to be buried because of claustrophobia. I know it's ridiculous. I'm like, do not put me in the damn ground. He was like, I will not do that. But I said, I just, I don't know what it is. It's some irrational fear that like I'll wake up, which [00:48:00] is, silly, but I'm like, no, I don't want to be closed in, in a box.
Sarah: isn't that, I mean, I've always heard that this is true. And you tell me if I'm wrong, that that's what a wake was to make sure that you didn't wake up. So you don't bury a live body. It was just, Yeah. In a little coma for a minute.
Laura: Exactly.
I went to Savannah, Georgia and there's a a really old cemetery, cemetery there, St. Bonaventure. And my husband and I took a tour of it when we were there. And he had, and we had heard of this, but we hadn't seen it. They have this bell by the headstone when the person who was taking us through this tour and what it was was the family could pay to have that in case the person hadn't really died.
You know, cause medicine and everything back then, it was like, I'm pretty sure he died, but that they could ring the bell.
I wonder how often that actually happened, Laura.
Laura: I don't know. But my husband was like, can you imagine that? Like being an upcharge where you're like, [00:49:00] listen, we got this bell. I was like, that's so weird.
Sarah: But also like, who's listening? Is somebody always on duty to make sure they hear the bell? You have to wait till they come in the next morning.
Laura: Exactly. Who's going to be there? So. But there were, we saw several of them. It was people who were, I guess, moneyed and maybe they had somebody on standby, but I mean, I don't know, but it was, it's so interesting to me what our rituals are, traditions around death or what different cultures and backgrounds.
Do
Sarah: are you able to to not embalm and have the body still be on viewing? Like, can you just keep it chilled and roll it out for, yes.
Laura: And here in Kentucky, at least if somebody tells you, no, it's against the law to have an open casket and an uninvolved body, that's, that's against the law for me to say that to somebody.
In fact, embalming to me that the gentleman who [00:50:00] works for us, Chris Fender, he's in his late thirties. like there's an art to what he's doing with that and the presentation of the body and what that means to a family. There's formaldehyde and, and, you know, carotid arteries and all that. It is a, to some people, what I think would be like a barbaric kind of process, but he's so respectful and reverent and, and wants to get it right.
And that means a lot to a family to see their loved one, you know. If time is passing and like families, like we can't get everybody here for a week or so, and we definitely want to see her. I mean, we'll tell people she can be in the cooler, which is what exactly what that is. We have a cooler. That's the only thing to call it, where we have trays and the decedents are, you know, they're 38 degrees or something like that.
And it slows down the decomposition process. But no, I mean, if we have, Like I told you, the family who wanted to [00:51:00] see their mom before the cremation. And she had died like the night before, but when we went to pick her up and we brought her back to the funeral home, we, we put her into the cooler cause we don't know what people are going to want.
Maybe they want us to embalm her, maybe not. But that was the way, you know, to preserve her post death for. I think Chris tells me like four or five days in the cooler, but then, you know, if you want to view a body, it starts to change and gray and all of that. So, but yeah, you can have an, and we've had families that they will have an open casket for a few hours and mom's not embalmed.
You know, it's something that is part of our services and, you know, funeral homes. They, they make money for that process but it's not something that's required. I just think, I just want people, I'm a believer in, unless it's like this really traumatizing death that occurred, or I, [00:52:00] I just know that people seeing their loved one, I could just feel the, just psychological, you know.
trauma that would cause. I believe it's important to see if possible the human body after death for people. I've just seen what that means to people. It's always available to them here. And when people decide to do it, I always say to them, it is the hardest fucking thing you will ever do, but you know that it was supposed to, after it's happened, you needed to do it.
I had a, a young woman who died tragically, a young mother. It was a sudden death, like an embolism, devastating. And her family wanted to see her before the cremation. And I made that happen. And of course they were so afraid And so it was one of the hardest funerals I've ever done. It was just a punch in the gut.
And she was a [00:53:00] mother like me of a 20 something daughter who left behind a baby and a husband. Yeah. Like one day it was like this and the next day it wasn't. And her mom, called me from like the medical examiner's office. It was like, I don't know what to do. I don't. And I just said, here's my cell phone.
The next thing you're going to do is this. And then I'm calling, I'm going to call you and you're going to do this. And so I had her in the room for her to come and see her daughter. And there were like four mom came with husband and maybe grandparents, like four of them. And usually when people do these viewings, private family viewings, they might be, it could be five minutes.
They might stay for an hour. Those are not public visitation. So we kind of set up in a way where people aren't taking, we want them to have that time, but not taking advantage of it and saying just 10 people are coming and then suddenly there's.
you know, be respectful of our time and what, when you, but this was different. And I kept noticing she came out and she just was [00:54:00] so, she said, thank you so much. She's just, I needed this. She's just so beautiful. And I just want to be with her. And they started asking me, can her grandparents come from Georgetown, which was an hour drive.
I was like, you tell anybody. Who wants to, that they can come and usually they would be gone in about an hour. Well, they were there for four hours. People just kept coming. And we have an older lady here. I love our part time staff. They're all mostly folks that are in their seventies, eighties. And Ms.
Kate is 93. She comes down the hall. She's like, there's 20 people that went in there. I said that you're fine. I said, I'm, I got it. I said, they're fine. I said, this is what they need to do. I said, if her mother wanted to sleep on the couch tonight, I would let her stay here. And she just sort of threw her hands up.
I mean, she just wanted to do everything right, but she just couldn't understand. I just let people keep coming. But I was like, This is just what you do when this happens. There was no way I [00:55:00] was going to stop her sisters because they kept calling each other and saying it was okay. You can see her. It's okay.
I'm not afraid. It's okay. And I just sat watch while they did that. And then her mom wanted me to cut some of her hair. And after everybody left, I cut her hair. And I was talking to her. The, the woman who died, she's on the dressing table. And I told her, I said, I lifted her hair. I was like, I'm going to cut underneath.
So it still looks like she had this fabulous mane of hair. And I just was, you know, I, I just was kind of talking to her and just with her, knowing, you know, just what had been lost. Not just for her family, but for her. But I had, yeah, I just spent that time. It was so quiet and nobody else was here but me.
And I, I cut her hair and I put little ribbons around it for, eight or nine people who wanted it. And it's such a, it's such holy work sometimes, [00:56:00] like at two in the afternoon, it is. It's so, Incredible that it's like that. Like you can't really, unless I'm in the context of like you and me talking, plus you and me could talk about this in like IRL and real life anytime.
But I can't really have these, I can have these conversations with people, but. I just really don't. I mean, a lot of them are so deeply personal, and I don't want to, you know, betray privacy or anything like that, but I mean, I can talk about things that happen in a way that's more anonymous, kind of as a broad composite of things I see, but it's like, you just don't know if it's and I think it's, it's not just safe for the people you're talking to, but is it okay for you as doing something I do to say that sometimes my husband will say people either want to know a lot about what we do or they're like, well, they don't want to know anything or something amazing like Alex Graham's funeral and the dancing.
There will be people who are like, that's [00:57:00] amazing. There are some people who will be like, what, what are y'all doing? Like,
Sarah: like what Ms. Kate think about Alex Graham's funeral.
Laura: I don't know that she was, you know, my husband and I, she might not have been there, but I know there are a couple other folks. I think my husband and I have had a heavier presence here and probably influence I'd say over the past few years.
And they just sort of know That's how we roll that, you know, they're going to see us, you know, with, Mrs. So and so we're going over to John Paul, the second, and we're going to do this. And they're used to that. But then every once in a while, we will get these really interesting. intricate kind of very unusual request.
And you know, I used to kind of hide sometimes when I do things and be like, well, the family wants this. I know everybody here is going to freak out. So I'll sort of sneak into it. But now I'm like, this is what we're doing. This is what the family wants. And I almost say like these people. I don't know if it's true, like, it's not a [00:58:00] question of if it's how, how are we going to do it?
You know, whatever that is like I figure it out. It's not something like, let's have a, well, I was going to say, let's have a helicopter come over the funeral home. I actually organized a flyover for that. Yeah, I know. So it's just like, so like what would you, right. You know, I mean, what, what's the limit.
And there are some people that'll just say, Oh, that's just so much this, this only lasted 10 seconds. Who cares? And that kind of thing. I'm like, you people do not do funerals over. You can get married a bunch of times. I mean, I guess you could, but like, there's no room for error in what I do. And it's going to happen.
It's just that mostly it's hopefully something you could kind of, not anybody else knows it. Maybe I do. And you just kind of move along. But. Like we got one chance to get it right. You know, for the people that we're helping.
Sarah: You hold so many paradoxes, you know, you're holding perfectionism and [00:59:00] humanity and you're appreciating the humanity of the big emotions and people trying to keep their shit together.
And that is the humanity that the, That the fake in it till you make it is the real stuff and you're holding the, the sadness of this woman. And, and I know that you're able to, you're flexible. I mean, that's the thing I thought, you know, earlier in this conversation when you talked about, you know, we're going to die, it's because you're able to travel between all these.
You're able to hold all of this.
Was talking to my therapist about some of that. Yesterday, how I kind of weave all these, like you said, paradoxes. And I'll tell her, I will use these terms. I mean, I'm, I'm a mental health professional, but sometimes I'll use them in that loose way, not in a necessarily irresponsible way, but I'm like, am I manic?
Do I have these things? Like, I, you know, I have all these things going on. Is there something wrong with me? And Sue, who's a psychoanalyst, she's been my therapist for 15 years. And she's a Jewish lady from [01:00:00] Queens and she talks like this and she's like, Laura, she's like, this is just, this is what you embody.
You are with people in these heavy spaces. And then I'm going to dance lessons tonight to dance to Duran Duran with my dance partner that I'm going to dance this night. fucking thing for 600 people next month and I'm scared, but it's like these two polarities and like, and I'll think to myself, like, I guess I think like the bottom's gonna drop out from under me or something because it, there's a lot of stress right now that my husband tells me when I think like, this is how we live.
This is crazy. We're out all the time. You know, we need more rest that it's, these are moments in time. You And that I am bringing into the fold all these things that I care about and I want to do and that I am the woman who's Dancing in a dress that doesn't cover that much of me. And when I'm here, [01:01:00] I'm dressed, this is kind of a more casual workout for me.
I mean, work outfit for me. But my daughter said, Grace has told me, she's like, Mom, you live on these edges of things. You like the opposites. I don't know if you ever heard of the book. Oh, what is her name? The coach, Danielle.
Laporte.
Laura: She wrote a book years ago with another person called style statement. And it's like basically, you know, all these questions and this process within the book of just bringing who you are, your essence down to two words was very cool.
And I always go back to it. My words were, because it's like, it's how I live in mine. Style statement was. The graceful edge, like this elegance and moving through life and proud and, and tall and smart. And then just this kind of edginess to things like pushing, pushing the limits and, you know, seeing what I can [01:02:00] do.
And I enjoy not looking like, or being like what an undertaker.
Speaker: Right. It
Laura: looks like. I like that it's a surprise to
people,
or that I'm a woman in a business. Now there's parts of this that drive me crazy and I had to straighten people out, but then I'm a woman in a business that it's kind of like you have to elbow.
Go in,
you
know, and be seen and heard. And you know, I told my daughter, I had this awakening that the patriarchy isn't necessarily, it is like, you know, sexual harassment being passed over for promotion, that kind of, there's all those things. I said, I've learned it's, this is the way we've always done it,
this is how we do it. This is how we've always done it. And I'm like, well, I don't do it that way, or they don't want it that way. I want them to have it the way they want it. There's a lot of gossip in the, I'm telling you, Sarah, I have worked with, you know, people say women, we talk about each other.
There are men in this profession. We have, we have [01:03:00] hearse drivers and stuff. We have like a collective garage where we rent our own hearses and limos from ourselves and the gentlemen who drive them and they're all guys are like in their seventies. They go to all these funeral homes and they will tell on.
What's going on at other places. And so when I got here, well, it was Bobby needs to get his wife in check or My education will be kind of weaponized against me. She thinks she's ex I I've been called a, I think I can't even believe this, but at the same time, like a conniving snake, like, cause there's a thing when you're in this business.
So there are 50 percent of the women coming into funeral service. People coming into funeral service identify as women, but when you get into management, the number is smaller. When you get into ownership, it's much smaller. When you're a woman who's not of [01:04:00] lineal heritage. You didn't inherit it by birth.
My daughter would be treated differently than me who married in, like, it doesn't really belong to me. Like a gold gold digger. That was another one. I'm like, well, I'd like to know where the fuck the gold is because owning a funeral home is like a restaurant. Like, why the hell would you do that? You better love it.
So, I mean, I was like, wow, but I, I guess I just didn't realize, I was just being me and making some kind of mark that shook things up. And I kind of wanted to hide a little bit, but then I didn't. Yeah.
Sarah: It really speaks to, because that people pleasing shit runs deep. Even if you're a badass and even if you've been a life coach and a coach, Couples therapist forever.
That shit is in our own. It is in our DNA. It is the way we interact everywhere. And so it's really interesting to hear that how much you've had to overcome and how you do and I it sounds [01:05:00] like the love that you have and the service that you have for the people is how you're able to do that because it's not just you.
You're not just advocating for you.
I like that you said that because that's what I've learned about myself, that sometimes I think, do I use it as not a shield, but like it's safe for me to be powerful, Laura, and demonstrative and because somebody died, not like an advantageous way, but the gravity of it.
And I'm like, well, I guess it is, but maybe that's just my calling to this is meant to be the conduit for me to really. Show up is who I am. Like, you know, we say you aren't your job, but there's something about this work where it really is combined with who you as a person. But you're, you're right about that, that I just became one of my things that I've said, and I've had a couple of interviews with magazines and stuff and, and being a woman in the business.
I will [01:06:00] say. We are here to take care of the dead and their families. And if you work with me or you work for me, act accordingly in your interactions. in the way you think about things and your intentions, or you don't need to be doing this. We're done, you know, because this is so, if people are wanting to half ass things or, they're frustrated because the family wants something, or they're trying to kind of shove them out of the door because we want to turn the room over.
And I'm like, this is not how this works. So once I kind of stood in that and I also used What I call the, the shield of our ownership, which I saw myself as the one that married in, you know, my dad ran a gas station when I was growing up and, and I didn't inherit a business. My husband did, which sometimes I'll be like, bougie, bougie, you inherit, you know, but it is, it's how it works.
It was built and he didn't have to do [01:07:00] it. But yeah, I mean, it was passed down and it was available, but I didn't have anything like that. And I saw myself as the apprentice coming in and I was like, I'm a worker. I'll do whatever anybody else does. I will, if you, I'm not one of those owners who will say, yeah, and that does happen that I don't do that.
Other people do that. I just do this. I'm like, I'll do any of it. And I didn't want to get seen as like I could sense our employees had different conversations with each other
than
they would with me. They're my co workers too. But it was kind of like, no, I'm, I'm like a worker.
I don't. Like, I just didn't want to identify for some reason as an owner, because a lot of times owners are thought of as assholes, privileged assholes, because there are some. And one of the directors told me one time, they were like, Laura, we're always going to think of you as an owner first. That's just who you are.
That's what they teach in mortuary school. You're either an owner or you're a staff [01:08:00] director and you were under the ownership of a big corporation or a family that's running the firm. So I was like, okay, so this is what I am and what I'm doing. So if I want things done a certain way, or I believe there should be a certain level of service use, you're the owner.
What are they going to do to you around here? I can't fire me. So I was like, well, you know, I don't have to hide or anything. You know, one thing I don't know why I wanted to tell you this, but that I realized was and it was just how incredibly lonely I was in my life, working as a coach and a therapist.
Especially in the last five years before I got into our family business I had a really tough time from about 2018 until 2021 when I got here, because I think I just, there were certain events and things that happened business wise that were so painful and kind of gutted [01:09:00] me. And I. I was trying to pull myself out of it and you know, you've been a coach and like you gotta put yourself out there and do this and do that.
I just got sick of every social media post felt like I was trying to leverage my personal life and to work with me and I was like, I was just alone all the time. I mean, I was with my clients on zoom and all that,
Sarah: but it's in one capacity only. And that's not a dimensional relationship.
Laura: It's not. And it's just like this woke me up to see, you know, I'm an introvert, but to be around, all these people and having a, a staff of people that have a certain relationships with each other and a dynamic and, you know, we try to say sometimes what, which character in the office would so and so be, I'm the Pam, not really, there could be a lot of other things, but I just was like, wow, I really love this.
I really love, having people that I work with every day and [01:10:00] collaborate with and that we all have a sense of humor that seems to have, my husband and I shaped what the culture of this place was. And there were people who stayed and there were people who didn't like where things were going and they retired or went on to do other things.
So I'm like, wow, I helped make this what it is right now. And that's a really powerful thing, but I was, I was incredibly lonely during all of that. As hard as it is sometimes to do all this, I'll think this is what I was dreaming of in some way that I didn't even know it. All those years ago.
Sarah: Do you know that? Do you remember funeral directing for me? Do you remember holding me during a death? We were at a coach thing. And I think we're with Corinne and my mom's partner was dying. And so I was in California, she was in Wichita, walking him home, and [01:11:00] I was, I don't know, holding, holding her, you know, holding space for her to walk him home from a distance, and, and you held me during that, and we went in and out of hanging out as friends, talking about coach stuff, checking in to see if Bill was still alive.
Wow. All of the dimensions were there. Wow. You were you.
Laura: Thank you for saying that.
Sarah: Thank you for being you.
Laura: Well, it's not performative isn't the right word. I just think I'm so into what I'm doing I don't really understand sometimes like what you just said, what that means. Sometimes it'll be someone here taking my hand. A woman said to me after it.
Conducted her services. She said, I hope, you know, you were born to do this. Then someone else told me this. I had to get my Catholic girl hat on. She said, you perform a corporal work of mercy, [01:12:00] which there are, there are eight of them and it's the corporal, the body, it is tending to the needs of a human being, like in person of their body.
And one of them is You bury the dead.
And you know, it's feed the hungry and all that. So, you know, when I think about the dancing that I'm doing, this flashy stuff, I'm raising money for a food kitchen that feeds people every day where it's their only fucking meal of the day. That's it. And then I come over here. And I'm taking care of people, burying, cremating, taking care of the dead.
So, you know, it makes sense. I just find conduits to do all of it that have a lot of joy in them sometimes, or creativity, that feed me as much as they do. Give something to other people,
Sarah: I love seeing you in your element. I've always loved you. And I love seeing you like this.
Laura: Thank you. I love you. I have the video on my phone of us at Susan Hyatt's thing that we went to in [01:13:00] Evansville.
We lit the piece of paper on fire.
Sarah: We sure did.
Laura: I have to send it to you, you say the funniest thing. I was like, what are we doing again? And you were like, make it a fucking wish. It was something that I was like, I started laughing, but I remember sitting there and doing that.
And I was like, I love Sarah. It's just, you're just one of those people that I can just come home to in some way. And that's really special. And thank you for The respect and curiosity you've shown for what I do. I obviously love it so much and I kind of know where it's taking me. And at the same time, I don't, I sort of see myself coming into this place with a You know, when I'm 80 with a faux fur coat and a cigarette holder with no cigarette in it and drinking coffee, seeing like any checks come and who's taking that service and just kind of being a really eccentric, but very kind and loving old lady who like, I built this.
These [01:14:00] people. One thing I'll tell you that fascinates me, my husband and I will go walk in one of the cemeteries near our home, Calvary Cemetery, big Catholic cemetery. And I will look at the expanse of those 76 acres. And I will say, your family has taken care of over 10, 000 people in here. Thousands and thousands of people are all drive by and think in three years, I have gone through those gates to bury someone three to 400 times.
It's like, it blows my mind. And I know other funeral directors is like, you know, everybody has their way of dealing with their profession and looking at it's just like, Oh, well, this is what we do. But to me, that's like who else can say something like that? It's, it's pretty wild. And the history of it.
Yeah.
Sarah: Did we get there? I think we got it done.
Laura: We got it done.
I love you, hon. I
Sarah: love you
Sarah: Thanks for listening to About Death, the podcast about living life on your own [01:15:00] terms. Would you help me get our guest stories into the hands of people who need to hear them? One thing you can do is think about who you know who would love this episode. Send it to them or leave a rating and review, especially if it's a good one.
And if you want community and coaching, go to sarahyost. com to get started. See you next time.
ABOUT LAURA:
Laura Wagner is a pioneering licensed funeral director and couples and family therapist based in Louisville, Kentucky. She is the first woman in her family's 160-year history in the funeral industry to attain this role. Transitioning from her career as a life coach and therapist, Laura felt a strong calling to support grieving families through personalized and meaningful funeral services.
Balancing tradition with innovation, she offers a range of services from traditional funerals to unique celebrations of life. Laura is dedicated to evolving the funeral industry by incorporating green and natural burial options, making a significant impact both in her community and the lives of countless individuals.
Timestamps And Topics
00:00 Introduction: Rethinking Funerals
01:15 Meet Laura Wagner: A Unique Funeral Director
02:24 Laura's Journey into Funeral Service
06:49 The Role of a Funeral Director
15:58 Navigating Financial Challenges in Funeral Services
32:55 Personal Stories and Unique Funerals
37:23 A Unique Funeral Experience
38:48 Creating Meaningful Moments
40:38 Balancing Tradition and Innovation
42:25 Personal Reflections on Death
49:36 The Importance of Viewing
56:23 Navigating Funeral Home Dynamics
58:50 Embracing the Role of a Funeral Director
01:08:24 The Personal and Professional Journey
01:14:54 Conclusion and Reflections
If you liked this conversation, you’ll love Cosmic Stew. Head over to sarahyost.com to start living your life your way, with way less anxiety, way less effort.