Prepping For Her Death Anniversary

My momma’s death anniversary is coming up.

I don't want to precode myself unnecessarily into thinking it's going to be hard.

But I'm already pretty sure it's going to be hard.

It’s a fine line between thinking something will happen and making that inevitable. (Hello Law of Attraction)

And knowing that something is already inevitable and taking steps to make it better.

Sometimes we gotta accept what’s here and roll with it. 

Sometimes we gotta accept what's here and change course.

In any situation, choose the approach that feels the most peaceful.

Around the middle of August I’ll have a dip.

It will feel like lethargy and lack of focus. 

A layer of sadness that makes everything heavy and immovable.

I'm in a great place emotionally right now and I regularly have flashes from her accident.

They show up in singular horror images.

Walking. Dead bird. Me next to dead mom.

Lifting a weight over my head. Intrusive thought of it falling on my face. Like my dead mom fell.

Slipping on a stair. My mom at the bottom of the stairs.

It’s always so close. Life. Death. One breath away.

I imagine those images will ramp up as my sadness ramps up.

Or maybe not.

Just in case, I’m doing what I can for my future self.

Articulating the specific symptoms I'm worried about. This awareness means I have specific ways to care for myself.

Making food for the freezer because when emotions are high, executive function is low. Meals are hard.

Getting my house clean so that I’m only dealing with whatever current mess I make. Wading through mess that’s still piled from 6 months ago will feel demoralizing and overwhelming. I’m more likely to spiral into a hopeless sense that it’s all too much. If I can’t even clean off my kitchen counter, how can I ever do anything.

Adding resource appointments like extra coaching and therapy.

Being willing to cancel it all if I want to.

Sending so much love and compassion to my future August self.

Right now I'm also sending current you so much love and compassion.

Feel it?

Love,

Sarah