The Sweetness In Suffering

There’s a focus in suffering that i like. It takes all of your attention. Even breathing is hard. So that whenever there’s a moment of relief it feels exquisite.

It’s that contrast between the darkness and the edge of light.

That focus gets your attention. Then you find that pinpoint of light in there.

I’ve talked to you about ruthlessly looking for that light. That’s the way. And when everything is awful, it feels amazing to rest in it for a moment.

When I’m not suffering, I miss that.

Right now I’m not suffering.

Happiness is more gratifying. But it’s not as potent.

I don’t want to fuck up my life subconsciously just so I can go back to that emotional starkness I’ve lived in so much of the past 2 years.

I’m working with this in a couple of ways.

On one hand, I’m trying to appreciate a different, less exquisite experience. A life with more mundane tasks and household chores. As well as more creative satisfaction and laughter. This helps.

The other, I’m trying to point that internal wrestling to creative projects which are more useful and interesting.

This email project.

Figuring out how to upload my podcast without my producer doing it for me.

Talking to people about their anxiety experiences. Creating coaching plans for new clients. Solving puzzles, sorting information into the best way to help.

All of these are more satisfying than putting one foot in front of the other, one moment at a time.